Breakdown. Meltdown. Whatever.
Am I slowly losing myself? As in my true self? This thought just came to my mind as I was watching random videos in YouTube.
First, I haven't written a decent or indecent poem for months. Poetry is just like doodling for me before. I have a pen and I give birth to a poem. It was that easy, that convenient. Thoughts flow and I let it flow through my fingers to my pen and to my notebook. But it all came to a halt without me even noticing it. I feel like I've lost my first love at this very moment. I feel somewhat ashamed that I somehow let go of the inner part of me that is so different from others, the part that is so distinct, the part that others can say, "yeah, that's ruffa."
Second, it's been months or maybe already a year the last time I attempted to furnish a story. And it was just left hanging there undone and unknown what's next. I think my creative juice (whatever that is that artists say) has faded or was somehow jaded by my busy schedule and lack of focus. I am afraid of the idea that I have lost my dreams and that I stopped dreaming or that I've got no time to dream at all. Did I just lost the writer in me?? :(
Third, I haven't been so good of a friend these past few weeks. I wasn't able to console a very close and good friend of mine. I wasn't able to be with her the moment of her weakness and grief. I wasn't able to be with my friends to show support and love for her. All I was able to do was to send her a message in Facebook. I feel that I neglected her and disappointed her at the same time. Sabi nga nila, para akong "others." It's as if we're just casual acquaintances who send casual messages in FB. But truth be told, I know we are more that and I'm ashamed of myself for doing just that.
Fourth and the last, I think I forgot to love myself, to love my loved ones, to learn and discover love like girls of my age do. I'm being cheesy again, I know, but I can't help it. I haven't talked to my mother longer than five minutes for weeks now. I come late in our house every night and depart for work early in morning the next day. I've lost track of our old "chikahan" days with my siblings. It' been months since I last went home to Batangas and be genuinely happy, spontaneous and content. I've lost the child me. I'm slowly losing my drive to go to school again and it pisses me off. I am losing my old self. :(
And this is all in exchange of what? A work that doesn't compensate my worth? A work that no longer feeds me with the knowledge that I crave for? A work that has cut my horizons and limited my potential for growth? I AM SUPER FED UP. I WANT TO BREAK FREE FOR GOOD. I want my old self back. I want to write poems again and to finish my stories. I want to be with my super friends again. I want to go home to Batangas..
Breakdown. Meltdown. Whatever. Yeah, this is it.
I just wanna say, don't do this to yourself. Don't let this happen to yourself. Think I need to go to rehab..haha.. I'm crazy and I know it. #CHILL
First, I haven't written a decent or indecent poem for months. Poetry is just like doodling for me before. I have a pen and I give birth to a poem. It was that easy, that convenient. Thoughts flow and I let it flow through my fingers to my pen and to my notebook. But it all came to a halt without me even noticing it. I feel like I've lost my first love at this very moment. I feel somewhat ashamed that I somehow let go of the inner part of me that is so different from others, the part that is so distinct, the part that others can say, "yeah, that's ruffa."
Second, it's been months or maybe already a year the last time I attempted to furnish a story. And it was just left hanging there undone and unknown what's next. I think my creative juice (whatever that is that artists say) has faded or was somehow jaded by my busy schedule and lack of focus. I am afraid of the idea that I have lost my dreams and that I stopped dreaming or that I've got no time to dream at all. Did I just lost the writer in me?? :(
Third, I haven't been so good of a friend these past few weeks. I wasn't able to console a very close and good friend of mine. I wasn't able to be with her the moment of her weakness and grief. I wasn't able to be with my friends to show support and love for her. All I was able to do was to send her a message in Facebook. I feel that I neglected her and disappointed her at the same time. Sabi nga nila, para akong "others." It's as if we're just casual acquaintances who send casual messages in FB. But truth be told, I know we are more that and I'm ashamed of myself for doing just that.
Fourth and the last, I think I forgot to love myself, to love my loved ones, to learn and discover love like girls of my age do. I'm being cheesy again, I know, but I can't help it. I haven't talked to my mother longer than five minutes for weeks now. I come late in our house every night and depart for work early in morning the next day. I've lost track of our old "chikahan" days with my siblings. It' been months since I last went home to Batangas and be genuinely happy, spontaneous and content. I've lost the child me. I'm slowly losing my drive to go to school again and it pisses me off. I am losing my old self. :(
And this is all in exchange of what? A work that doesn't compensate my worth? A work that no longer feeds me with the knowledge that I crave for? A work that has cut my horizons and limited my potential for growth? I AM SUPER FED UP. I WANT TO BREAK FREE FOR GOOD. I want my old self back. I want to write poems again and to finish my stories. I want to be with my super friends again. I want to go home to Batangas..
Breakdown. Meltdown. Whatever. Yeah, this is it.
I just wanna say, don't do this to yourself. Don't let this happen to yourself. Think I need to go to rehab..haha.. I'm crazy and I know it. #CHILL
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