We're Okay

Choose yourself. Please.

I kept telling that myself the past months, and I did. I chose myself. An ounce of self-love won't hurt. Above all, love starts from yourself. You're not at all being selfish. For once, give yourself the worth that you deserve. You're not just anybody. You're you. The way people treat you will depend on how you treat yourself.

The past months, I found myself chasing over someone. The story starts from my mistake, and I was sorry for that. I don't have control over the circumstances. All I could hope for was your open mind and maybe, yeah, a forgiving heart. When I thought the rift would be over in month, it ballooned unimaginably. I got ignored and all that. Hence, the chase.

Baby, I came after you. I had my sorry speech. People laughed at me even. I mean, who wouldn't? I was like talking to a stone back then. And you even rolled your eyes up on me like I was some disgusting stalker. Like what I was saying was totally nonsense. Like what I was doing was completely comical. Then it hit me. It hit me hard. After all those years that we've known each other, after everything that we've gone through together, it was like you were just waiting for me to commit that one great mistake so you can drop me like a hot potato. You were just waiting for that one good reason so you can discard me. I stayed all along but then there you are waiting  for that trap to happen.

See, you don't go around always playing the victim card. That people always misunderstand you. That only true friends will really stand by you. That people are going away because, well, you know you're difficult to deal with and those who can't get you don't pass your own definition of genuine friendship. I'm not in for that kind of game anymore. At 26, I find it a bit toxic. I can only entertain so much negativity. I don't need this high school kind of drama. As much as I want to understand you, I don't. Ask yourself why people keep walking away. It's just either there's something wrong with them or  there's something wrong with you.

I ended up the chase. I got tired, can you blame me for that? And then there you are asking me what  has gone wrong. How we ended up this messed up. You tell me. But for me, I did my part. I swallowed my pride as I followed you around. And I don't deserve that, now I realized. I will not forever wait for your mood to be okay again and for you to accept my presence in your life once again. READ THIS: You are not my world. My life continues to be awesome as it is even when you're ignoring me. My life goes on. You can give me the cold shoulder all you want and I will still live. This has all been really toxic.

I don't want to live bearing the weight of my unforgiven sorry. I said my piece already, and I can't demand forgiveness from you. Or maybe my theory is right that it's just one lump of pride that now separates us. I don't know. But I choose to let go. I will move on. We're okay, and it still saddens me because I know that we were more than okay before. We were happy and bickering and reconciling and laughing or tearing up in movies -- we were indeed more than okay. It's a tragedy we are just okay now.

-tups