Carah

With a skirt adorned with colorful flowers and her hair pulled in a tight pig tail with two pink ribbons, Carah sprouted and glided through the room. She wears her smile with delight, enlightening the whole room and brightening every one's day. She's the family's youngest, the baby, the mosloved. She's every one's favorite and her charm always help her have what she wants. A crown pleaser indeed she is.

But Carah is 21 years old already, running 22. As the youngest among eight siblings, she's tasked to be the entertainer, to be the clown. She grew up knowing that she's everything and anything that makes her family beam with joy. She's their pet, always cuddled, extremely pampered, excessively loved. At 21, she knows nothing but to be that clown. At 21, she so lacks experience. At 21, she hasn't even had a good cry. Yeah.  Seriously.

They have an average lifestyle, able to get by, travel sometimes.Her siblings are now all professionals on their own, making her the benefactor of all the fortune and luck they have. Being spoiled is an understatement. She's still a baby at 21.

She had her bachelor's degree in political science in no sweat. There were no pressures of working to make money after graduation. Just finish off college and enjoy. She's not an A-Lister student, neither the prof's pet. She had two 5s (flunk grades) in her majors, but she managed to get by and graduate. She's never asked about her sudden poor performance in school. They just let her be. No one bothered to inquire about her thoughts.

Then Carah got inclined to poetry and writing. She joined contests in school and brought home a few medals. Well, they just said a few congratulations and kissed her. Just that. There's no further enthusiasm about her victory. Her triumph and defeat do not mean a single thing to them. She's Carah. She's the youngest and she's her baby. That's all.

She once approached her mother if she could come with her friends to go somewhere but she was denied the permission. She has to stay home for she might get hurt out. When a friend of hers fetched her in her house, she was slightly reprimanded. Having a boyfriend at 20 is still a taboo. She's still so young for such serious relationships. Then one time she got accepted to a writing workshop out of town, her dad said "no" for the nth time. Why? Because it' so far and, first of all, they think that writing will not do her good. They just suddenly want her to be the best lawyer in earth.

"So how's life, Carah?" asked her friend Nad one time. He's become her confidante for months now and they're pretty close.

"Well, still as boring as ever. Preparing for law school gets me occupied, but I feel that I want to be free." And there's a deep breath, then a shed of tear.

A week later, Nad was as surprised as everybody about the news. Only a pink scented envelope was the last trace of her. Outside, "Mommy" is written in bold letters with a smiley at the end. The letter was left inside Nad's locker, further aggravating the news that has spread in the gym where they were both members. Carah is now nowhere to be found.Some says she eloped,, some think she's dead, some says she's eaten by Majimboo.

Nad hurried to Carah's house bearing the pink envelope. Its smell is Carah's favorite, lavender. And it has a heart sticker that locked the envelope, as if an important message lurks inside. He felt nervous. Where the hell is Carah?? Her phone cannot be reached since the other day. Where is her Carah??

Carah's mommy ushered him in wearing a huge pair of eye bags, yet the woman still managed to dress like the empress that she is, so domineering and so motherly.

Questions again bombarded his mind. Carah's place is now humming silence. There was not the usual echoing joy inside. The house seems so empty, so huge. Gone is the atmosphere of a happy day.

"Ma'am, where is Carah?" handling the envelope to the ever regal mother of her dear friend. His hands were somewhat shaking, his voice slowly cracking.

But the woman replied with a blank stare, nothing more, leaving him with a world full of question marks. Why would Majimboo eat Carah?? He asked himself, desperately trying to ease himself, trying to evade the lucid fact that is in front of him. Carah is gone. She totally evaporated.

Nad leaves without a single noise leaving Carah's mother and the pink scented envelope. He walks out heading to nowhere. He thinks he yelled but he didn't hear even a soft groan. He's totally incapacitated now. Where is Carah??

The woman sat in a lavish sofa and silently opened the letter. More or less, she knows what it's about. Her princess has a love letter for her. Two pieces of stationaries, the letter itself and a poem. How sweet of her princess, she thought, for giving her a poem.

She then reads the letter, not noticing that shes reading it with all her voice, like when she used to read about Snow White to Carah.

August 19, 2011

Mommy,

Upon reading this cute letter of mine, bother not to cry, 'my. I'm just nearby, but won't come back. If you  want to look for me, head to Pluto and I'll be there. Hahaha.. relax, I still want to be your princess and your clown like I used to be. But I can't anymore. Sorry. Sorry.

Seriously, I don't think if I'm dead by now. I just know I'm free, at last, at long last. Smile now for I'm withe the air that you breath. y scent is scattered in the house so do not forget me. No, no, no. I take that back. Please let go off me, Mommy. Let me be free.

'My, I never really wanted to do law school. I can spend my lifetime doing poetry and that's happiness for me. Sure, I can make you laugh, I can entertain you, but I want to laugh, too, Mommy. A genuine laugh for that mater. Just let go of me completely.

I eloped with my notebook and my pen and I'm on search of the truth, of my truth. This would be the last letter that you'll ever receive from me so keep it. I'm not mad at you, Mommy, will never be. I'm mad at myself for letting me be me. I could have been the woman I want to be had I chose to. But sorry, now that I'm gone, I can't make you happy anymore.

When I thought that I'm the family's happiness, I though it would be forever. But there's no such thing  as forever, Mommy. Find happiness within you, not in me. Do not depend your happiness on me, it's a weakness.

Where am I really?? I really don't know myself. I'm lost, super lost. Accept in your heart that I may be dead by now. I just know one thing, I am very much a human, not an android. It felt good when I cried last Monday. I cried for  Nad and I are both victims of grave irreconcilable differences. He came when I have decided to leave. I'm now being corny, Mommy, right?

Anyway, kiss kiss kiss. I love you all but don't don't look for me anymore. The more you search for me, the more I will disappear. Let go of me, Mommy, please. Never utter my name again if it will only make you cry. Never think of me again if it will only pain you inside.

I'm a clown. I'm not supposed to make anyone feel blue.

XOXO,

Carah