Head Bugs

the taste has become so unwanted I pity my stomach If I'll just swallow it.

the smell so toxic 

the feels I don't wanna feel

I'd rather be numb or frozen

I want a momentary stillness

devoid of thoughts, of feelings

like as if both my mind and my heart malfunction at the same time

maybe a time to reboot

Oh, that would be wonderful

I want a distraction that will divert my train of thoughts

a splitting burst of an unknown that will consume me

so that I will be unmindful

don't have to react

I can care less

or I shouldn't care at all

I wanna succumb to a feeling of abandonment

with all those voices and noises and movements and chaos left behind

wanna rest so bad

I'm afraid i want it continuously

nothing can be tiresome than being encapsulated in an abstract balloon

drifting from point to point without accomplishing anything

burst this balloon and free me

i long for freedom like I long for water in the summer

this is draining me

I have to be dehydrated or i'll be doomed

like I'm not doomed yet

am I?

I am

i don't know

confusion is my middle name

where to next, got no idea

I wanna levitate from the ground and all these in an instant

i wanna elope with time, in the outer space maybe

where there's blank space

no bugs running in my head

with my eyes close there will be serenity

my longed-for peace and quiet

my own dose of numbing pills

never touch nor make any body contact

do not speak or even try to conversate

my tongue is panting like it run miles

let me be

please

i'm tired and letting go

it's a choice i would choose over and over again

but not a choice i'm given every single day

how pathetic of me

it's a game i keep losing

a bet i keep playing and losing

draining all the adrenaline that's left

but free me this instant

just this once let go

never look back , i cant

it's a losing battle.

-tups